I intended to write a blog every day, summarising the days events. This didn't happen. This did...
South Africa 1-1 Mexico
The tournament kicked off with hosts South Africa facing up to tippy-tappy merchants Mexico. For Carlos Vela, it's excellent playing for Mexico, as he's allowed to pass the ball around pointlessly there too, only wearing a different kit. The game began with all the neutrals firmly supporting the hosts, but slowly began to wish they were all mauled by lions as the commentators spewed nauseating rubbish regarding their play. They somehow managed to score, despite being shit, then let in an equaliser for reasons previously mentioned.
France 0-0 Uruguay
This was an incredibly dour affair that nobody wanted to win. France seemed happy not to have their terrible defficiencies revealed and Uruguay mainly treated it as another warm up game knowing that they'll comfortably beat the two other sides in the group. Uruguay had a lad playing up front named Luis Suarez, who scored anywhere between 49 and 192 goals in Holland this season, depending on who was talking. This obviously doesn't count for anything, as all Dutch defences let strikers score because they're fans of outrageous scoring statistics.
South Korea 2-0 Greece
South Korea won this affair which was inevitable given they were playing tournament ruiners Greece. The Asian side looked quite handy, often being described as 'committed' and 'industrious' on the basis that they're small. Greece had named 22 defenders in their squad, a foolproof plan. Except they're all shit. Commentators were obsessed with the Koreans having different names, with Peter Drury racistly commenting "the lineup sounds like a takeaway menu".
Argentina 1-0 Nigeria
Another dour affair was up next, as the hopefully excellent Argentina faced up to Nigeria. Nigeria were predictably labelled as 'athletic' and having 'raw talent', despite this not really making sense and them all being passable professional players. Commentators suggested Lionel Messi had 'velcro on his boots' which wouldn't work at all. And he obviously doesn't.
England 1-1 USA
After a good start from England, goalkeeper Robert Green made a calamitous error because he plays in goal for England. Pundits suggested England then played well after, which they didn't, instead choosing to hoof the ball towards a big man up front, a tactic that hasn't proved successful since those pesky foreigners started taking football seriously with all their skill and technique. It was repeated for hours that a draw was fine, as England had drawn their first game in 1966, going on to win the bloody thing. This was clearly a stupid notion, as its 2010, and win is still certainly more useful than a win regardless of the circumstances.
Algeria 0-1 Slovenia
The broadcast of this game was cancelled after the first 11 minutes, instead being replaced with a re-run of Coronation Street, after it became apparent it would be dreadful. Slovenia reportedly scored, the Algerian keeper with an error due to him doing a sudoku.
Serbia 0-1 Ghana
The African cliches were dragged out again as Ghana defeated Serbia. The game was of no offense, but little more. Ghana scored through a penalty, gifted by a Serbian defender in an odd handball that nobody quite understood. If Ghana had given away the exact same penalty, it would have been branded 'naive'. The Ghanians didn't help matters by celebrating the victory as if they'd won the whole thing.
Germany 4-0 Australia
In a game that belonged in another tournament, Australia were suprisingly punished for not fielding any strikers, instead relying on a Hull City fringe player to get the goals, which he obviously couldn't because he's a fringe player. At Hull. Imagine that. Germany were predictably branded 'ruthless' and 'efficient', despite not really being either. Tim Cahill was sent off, largely because tackling wasn't leaping for a header.
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