TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY SPECIAL

Wigan, Stoke and Birmingham Sign An Arrangment of Earnshaw, Bent and Greening

Jim White Pronounced Dead After 'Enjoying Deadline Day Too Much'

Everyone Involved In Football Reavealed To Be A Dirty Lying Bastard

Fire Sale Expected At Stamford Bridge As Chelsea Fail To Win 6-0

Billionaire Russian football-spoiler Roman Abramovich has ordered the immediate sale of the whole first team Chelsea squad for failing to beat Stoke 6-0.Chelsea set the early pace in the start to the new season, strolling to two 6-0 victories over eternal yo-yo club West Brom and rugby playing Wigan.

This started an odd trend whereby Arsenal, Fulham and even a team like Newcastle were able to win 6-0, with manager Chris Hughton describing the scoreline as 'a bloody good laugh'.

However, Chelsea were booed off the pitch by their own supporters on Saturday after disappointingly only comfortably winning 2-0.

A source close to Abramovich told Hoodies For Goalposts, "If this expensive group of players can't get their act together and win 6-0, then what's the point in them even being here? Roman's not happy at all, so he's going to get in contact with Arsenal about Theo Walcott, Fulham about Bobby Zamora and make a world record £92 million bid for Andy Carroll. You know, players that really know how to win a game 6-0."

Premier League Banish Bellamy To Championship For Being 'An Intolerable Cunt'

As Manchester City striker Craig Bellamy finalised the details on his bizarre transfer to hometown club Cardiff City, Hoodies For Goalposts can exclusively reveal that all 20 Premier League clubs voted unanimously on Bellamy being 'an intelorable cunt'.

In an unprecedented series of events, Bellamy's employers City proposed that they be allowed to expel the Welsh scumbag on the basis that 'Mark Hughes thought he's a nice bloke, but it turns out he's a horrible bastard'. All other 19 clubs agreed, with 8 unnamed clubs voting 'About fucking time!'.

Bellamy has gathered a series of rhyming nicknames by the red-top media for his various acts of twattishness in his Premier League career, including 'The Nutter With The Putter' after attacking teammate John Arne Riise with a golf club in February 2007, 'The Dick With The Brick' after throwing a breeze block at his own mother in July 2008 and 'The Bollock With The Pollock' after paying £31 million for a painting by the abstract expressionist in January 2006, only to smash it over the tiny head of Florent Sinama-Pongolle.

"I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm passionate about the game." the snarl-toothed Bellamy commented. "If attacking your own teammates, faking injuries and racially and physically assaulting other members of society is a crime, then well, im guilty. Lock me up and throw away the key." The Premier League have chose not to imprison Bellamy, instead opting to force Bellamy to move to Cardiff, a far larger and more disturbing punishment.