Making Up For Lost Time - The World Cup So Far...

I intended to write a blog every day, summarising the days events. This didn't happen. This did...

South Africa 1-1 Mexico
The tournament kicked off with hosts South Africa facing up to tippy-tappy merchants Mexico. For Carlos Vela, it's excellent playing for Mexico, as he's allowed to pass the ball around pointlessly there too, only wearing a different kit. The game began with all the neutrals firmly supporting the hosts, but slowly began to wish they were all mauled by lions as the commentators spewed nauseating rubbish regarding their play. They somehow managed to score, despite being shit, then let in an equaliser for reasons previously mentioned.

France 0-0 Uruguay
This was an incredibly dour affair that nobody wanted to win. France seemed happy not to have their terrible defficiencies revealed and Uruguay mainly treated it as another warm up game knowing that they'll comfortably beat the two other sides in the group. Uruguay had a lad playing up front named Luis Suarez, who scored anywhere between 49 and 192 goals in Holland this season, depending on who was talking. This obviously doesn't count for anything, as all Dutch defences let strikers score because they're fans of outrageous scoring statistics.

South Korea 2-0 Greece
South Korea won this affair which was inevitable given they were playing tournament ruiners Greece. The Asian side looked quite handy, often being described as 'committed' and 'industrious' on the basis that they're small. Greece had named 22 defenders in their squad, a foolproof plan. Except they're all shit. Commentators were obsessed with the Koreans having different names, with Peter Drury racistly commenting "the lineup sounds like a takeaway menu".

Argentina 1-0 Nigeria
Another dour affair was up next, as the hopefully excellent Argentina faced up to Nigeria. Nigeria were predictably labelled as 'athletic' and having 'raw talent', despite this not really making sense and them all being passable professional players. Commentators suggested Lionel Messi had 'velcro on his boots' which wouldn't work at all. And he obviously doesn't.

England 1-1 USA
After a good start from England, goalkeeper Robert Green made a calamitous error because he plays in goal for England. Pundits suggested England then played well after, which they didn't, instead choosing to hoof the ball towards a big man up front, a tactic that hasn't proved successful since those pesky foreigners started taking football seriously with all their skill and technique. It was repeated for hours that a draw was fine, as England had drawn their first game in 1966, going on to win the bloody thing. This was clearly a stupid notion, as its 2010, and win is still certainly more useful than a win regardless of the circumstances.

Algeria 0-1 Slovenia
The broadcast of this game was cancelled after the first 11 minutes, instead being replaced with a re-run of Coronation Street, after it became apparent it would be dreadful. Slovenia reportedly scored, the Algerian keeper with an error due to him doing a sudoku.

Serbia 0-1 Ghana
The African cliches were dragged out again as Ghana defeated Serbia. The game was of no offense, but little more. Ghana scored through a penalty, gifted by a Serbian defender in an odd handball that nobody quite understood. If Ghana had given away the exact same penalty, it would have been branded 'naive'. The Ghanians didn't help matters by celebrating the victory as if they'd won the whole thing.

Germany 4-0 Australia
In a game that belonged in another tournament, Australia were suprisingly punished for not fielding any strikers, instead relying on a Hull City fringe player to get the goals, which he obviously couldn't because he's a fringe player. At Hull. Imagine that. Germany were predictably branded 'ruthless' and 'efficient', despite not really being either. Tim Cahill was sent off, largely because tackling wasn't leaping for a header.

'Keepers Ready Excuses For New Ball Introduction

International goalkeepers from around the world have gathered together in a secret South African location to release a press statement removing any blame for their parts in goals conceded in the forthcoming World Cup, with the latest ball likened to a 'beachball'.

Ball manufacturers Adidas are responsible for the latest 'Jabulani' ball, meaning "to celebrate" in the Zulu language, for no real reason. An Adidas press release stated "We've revolutionised the ball. Yeah it's still round, made from the same materials as all our other balls and essentially and most definately still a ball, but it is unquestionably revolutionised. Go and buy one if you don't believe us."

In order to combat the ever changing shape that's never changed, the current crop of keepers has resorted to the traditional method of bitching, moaning and refusing to play until the old ball is returned. The statement read "It's clearly not fair. The way it moves in the air is like it has its own mind. It's not our fault when some Korean lad scores from 40 yards. It is in no possible way down to our own deficiencies, positioning or ability."

England stopper Robert Green suggested the ball was practically from a different sport. Green, who looks as if he could work in a local butchers, commented "We might as well play with a rugby ball, they can get rid of us keepers and just kick it over the posts. Jamo (David James) wasn't happy with it, or at least we don't think he is, he was too busy trying to make sure the other lads new how smart he was. He's not just into football you know.Oh he's told you."

Further criticism was aimed at Adidas after claiming the ball contained "new 3-D panels" despite all other ball panels quite obviously being in three dimensions. An Adidas spokesperson replied "We have to say these sort of things to sell more footballs. It's not really any different from the last one, but what sort of tournament would we have without goalkeepers moaning? Having said that, the next ball's going to be something special. It'll be more round, too round if anything. And 4-D obviously. Make sure you get that one."

Cotton Wool Sale Boom After TV Advert Curse Strikes Again

South African cotton wool manufacturers were today geared for the biggest hike in the industry's history after another star of a television advert was ruled out of the World Cup through injury.

With the tournaments kick-off fast approaching, Ivory Coast star Didier Drogba has become the latest to be ruled out through injury. The nations medical staff diagnosed a suspected fractured elbow after leaving the petulant forward on the ground for around 35 minutes, believing the Chelsea frontman was "just dicking about like normal". Drogba branded the tackle, refereeing decision and pre-match meal "a fucking disgrace".

Drogba became the latest victim of sports giant Nike's latest promotional advert, with other managers frantically wrapping their own featuring stars in giant balls of cotton wool. The advert starred Brazillian buck-toothed trickster Ronaldinho, who was a suprise exclusion from the travelling Brazil line-up, who instead preferred some other chaps more willing to try anything other than outrageous tomfoolery. Theo Walcott was the next to be struck down, the sprinter/cowboy footballer left out by England boss Fabio Capello after his appearance on the ad.

However, the cotton-based move is rumoured to have been met by some scepticism from Portugese brat Cristiano Ronaldo, with friends suggesting the greaseball was far from happy with the decision. A friend of Ronaldo, a man too well groomed even for a dog at Crufts, told Hoodies For Goalposts "Cristiano isn't willing to be wrapped in a giant ball of cotton wool. He's not really happy to have to wear all this football gear, but it seems FIFA won't budge on the rules. He's at his best in a tiny pair of pants. Anyone can see that."

HFG understands that Nike have refused a request from the England camp to edit the advert to remove Wayne Rooney and replace him with goal/shot/attack-shy team mate Emile Heskey.

Airstaff Left Fuming After Disruptive England Flight

The final 23-man England squad tonight flew to Johannesburg's OR Tambo airport before heading to their World Cup base in Rustenburg amidst a cloud of controversy after numerous complaints were made against the party's behaviour.

Coach Fabio Capello announced the final squad yesterday (Tuesday), cutting the squad down from 30 players. Incredibly-slow-yet-ok-at-football Tom Huddlestone and incredibly-fast-yet-terrible-at-football Theo Walcott were amongst the most high profile exclusions.

However, airport staff were reportedly furious with the behaviour of the squad. Stacy Commons, a check in clerk for British Airways, commented "They just had no respect for anybody. Emile Heskey put Shaun Wright-Phillips on his shoulders and chased Joe Hart around for hours, he couldn't get away from them."

Capello was rumoured to be angered by the players behaviour, but acknowledged that it was inevitable amongst a group of largely twenty-something men, with more money than sense, put on a pedestal by their nations media and largely removed from the real world. The Italian commented through growingly suspect teeth "Sometimes, yes, these things will happen. Can you stop Rio from, how you say, 'merking' one of the quieter lads like Stephen Warnock? I don't think so. It would be like stopping Wayne (Rooney) from uneccesarily launching a torrent of abuse at the referee or linesmen or mascots. It takes away from the player".

Peter Crouch, the Spurs forward that most closely resembles a bicycle frame, was awarded an emergency exit seat to accomodate his gangly limbs. The 6ft 7" frontman that should really be better at heading said "I'm really looking forward to the challenge" adding "I'm just delighted I've been given the chance. If there is a crash landing, I've got the opportunity to prove to the boss, the fans, and most importantly the pilot that I'm the man for the job. It's a great privilege."

Reports that serial bad-egg John Terry sexually assaulted a female member of the cabin crew remain unfounded yet likely.