Hull record signing Jimmy Bullard has today announced his intentions to run for Prime Minister in the upcoming general elections. The news comes after current Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, announced the fun-filled vote-athon had been scheduled for May 6th.
Cockney rogue Bullard has proved to be a cult hero amongst football fans after seemingly not being a twat. Ball-achingly tedious radio commentator Alan Green commented at half-time of the recent FA Cup semi-final, "He seems like a bit of a laugh! Oh hang on, you won't believe this, but David James is wearing a pink goalie top! Pink I tell you! Whats wrong with home wearing red and away wearing blue?" before retelling every kick of the last fifteen minutes of Liverpools legendary 4-3 win over Newcastle in 1995.
Bullard's opted for the slogan 'How 'ard? Bull'ard!' after rejecting 'Get out of it you mug!' and has been brandished 'amateur' and 'childish' by critics who claim Bullard is making a mockery of British democracy. In reply, Jimmy giggled "I'm not getting any younger and my knees been playing up a lot, so I thought, why not? I just wanna make politics a bit more fun, ya'know. When was the last time you 'eard any of em crack or joke or offer a handshake before taking it away and laughing. It's what politics needs, something the people can relate to."
Cheeky chappy Bullard refused to comment on rumours that he would instill the entire Soccer Saturday panel as a his cabinet amidst talk that Chris Kamara would become "Minister for the Unbelievable" and Paul Merson given a free role to make the cabinet seem more homely. "I don't want to comment on that sort of thing just yet" said Bullard, "But surely it's impossible to look at a massive national debt that will surely burden us for generations, and not be cheered up by the look it would put on Chancellor Phil Thompson's face. Eh? Eh? Have you seen the man on that nose?"
Bullard dismissed suggestions of recruiting orange northerner Phil Brown as "laughable".
Uefa president Michel Platini was left red faced on Thursday evening as he was forced to publicly apologise to football fans across Europe for what he described as "A practical joke gone too far".
Fulham fans were ecstatic after manager Roy Hodgson had masterminded the latest european victory from their side, a 3-1 aggregate victory over Bundesliga outfit Wolfsburg. When questioned over his feelings towards the West-Londoners most recent underdog victory, former European Footballer Of The Year and all-round football ruiner Platini responded Frenchly, "It's gone on too long, it started last season when Sepp (Blatter) joked with me how hilarious it would be if a team like Fulham, that nobody really knew about, won the Uefa Cup."
In a bid to make sure this never happened, Platini rebranded the competition the 'Europa League' and forced teams to play in odd countries like Slovenia and Macedonia every Thursday until he was satisfied with the outcome.
Platini added "We thought that putting them up against a proper team like Juventus would sort all this nonsense, but they went and put in a load of effort, played some decent football and only bloody won!" Platini then revealed that the next draw was influenced by the hours he'd spent the day before playing the ridiculously addictive computer series, Football Manager, when he was supposed to be getting on with some actual work. "Everybody knows how good Edin Dzeko is. I mean nobody actually knows, they're just told all the time despite no evidence, but if everyone says he's really good, he probably is right?" groaned Platini.
Likeable Fulham manager and general good guy Roy Hodgson blew his nose and told Hoodies For Goalposts, "We don't really know what's happened here either. It would seem, as it turns out, some teams that were once quite good aren't necessarily that brilliant now. It's nice because I was going to trade this Europa League place with Wigan in exchange for some hot water in the showers when we go to the JJB, Titus Bramble and a conker that Mario Melchiot reckons is a 'three-hundreder'."
Hull record signing Jimmy Bullard has today announced his intentions to run for Prime Minister in the upcoming general elections. The news comes after current Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, announced the fun-filled vote-athon had been scheduled for May 6th.
