TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY SPECIAL

Wigan, Stoke and Birmingham Sign An Arrangment of Earnshaw, Bent and Greening

Jim White Pronounced Dead After 'Enjoying Deadline Day Too Much'

Everyone Involved In Football Reavealed To Be A Dirty Lying Bastard

Fire Sale Expected At Stamford Bridge As Chelsea Fail To Win 6-0

Billionaire Russian football-spoiler Roman Abramovich has ordered the immediate sale of the whole first team Chelsea squad for failing to beat Stoke 6-0.Chelsea set the early pace in the start to the new season, strolling to two 6-0 victories over eternal yo-yo club West Brom and rugby playing Wigan.

This started an odd trend whereby Arsenal, Fulham and even a team like Newcastle were able to win 6-0, with manager Chris Hughton describing the scoreline as 'a bloody good laugh'.

However, Chelsea were booed off the pitch by their own supporters on Saturday after disappointingly only comfortably winning 2-0.

A source close to Abramovich told Hoodies For Goalposts, "If this expensive group of players can't get their act together and win 6-0, then what's the point in them even being here? Roman's not happy at all, so he's going to get in contact with Arsenal about Theo Walcott, Fulham about Bobby Zamora and make a world record £92 million bid for Andy Carroll. You know, players that really know how to win a game 6-0."

Premier League Banish Bellamy To Championship For Being 'An Intolerable Cunt'

As Manchester City striker Craig Bellamy finalised the details on his bizarre transfer to hometown club Cardiff City, Hoodies For Goalposts can exclusively reveal that all 20 Premier League clubs voted unanimously on Bellamy being 'an intelorable cunt'.

In an unprecedented series of events, Bellamy's employers City proposed that they be allowed to expel the Welsh scumbag on the basis that 'Mark Hughes thought he's a nice bloke, but it turns out he's a horrible bastard'. All other 19 clubs agreed, with 8 unnamed clubs voting 'About fucking time!'.

Bellamy has gathered a series of rhyming nicknames by the red-top media for his various acts of twattishness in his Premier League career, including 'The Nutter With The Putter' after attacking teammate John Arne Riise with a golf club in February 2007, 'The Dick With The Brick' after throwing a breeze block at his own mother in July 2008 and 'The Bollock With The Pollock' after paying £31 million for a painting by the abstract expressionist in January 2006, only to smash it over the tiny head of Florent Sinama-Pongolle.

"I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm passionate about the game." the snarl-toothed Bellamy commented. "If attacking your own teammates, faking injuries and racially and physically assaulting other members of society is a crime, then well, im guilty. Lock me up and throw away the key." The Premier League have chose not to imprison Bellamy, instead opting to force Bellamy to move to Cardiff, a far larger and more disturbing punishment.

City line up Milner replacement as City close in on Milner

Moneybags Manchester City are today (Friday) scouting the fringe midfielders of Aston Villa for a replacement for incoming Aston Villa midfielder James Milner.

In keeping with newly formed tradition, Billionaire owner Sheikh Mansour has demanded that his club purchase Aston Villa's most prominent midfielder, anvil-jawed midfielder James Milner, in a carbon copy of last summers transfer that saw Gareth Barry make the famous journey up the M6, or the M1 if there was a reason for congestion on the M6.

In the latest revelations, it has emerged that Mansour is attempting to speed up next years transfer. "Mansour called Martin (O'Neill) and asked for a favour. He politely asked for next years next big thing to save a bit of time. He'll need someone to replace James Milner, because he obviously won't be any better than Gareth Barry, who in turn was no better than anyone else we had. But we need bodies through the door" a close source told Hoodies For Goalposts.

City boss Roberto Mancini added "Villa suggested we take a look at Nigel Reo-Coker, but that's obviously some kind of wind up. We'll probably go for Ashley Young or Fabian Delph, but it needs to happen quickly. The start of the seasons only a few weeks away and we're down to around 35 midfielders on the books. Where will the bloody competition come from?"

Making Up For Lost Time - The World Cup So Far...

I intended to write a blog every day, summarising the days events. This didn't happen. This did...

South Africa 1-1 Mexico
The tournament kicked off with hosts South Africa facing up to tippy-tappy merchants Mexico. For Carlos Vela, it's excellent playing for Mexico, as he's allowed to pass the ball around pointlessly there too, only wearing a different kit. The game began with all the neutrals firmly supporting the hosts, but slowly began to wish they were all mauled by lions as the commentators spewed nauseating rubbish regarding their play. They somehow managed to score, despite being shit, then let in an equaliser for reasons previously mentioned.

France 0-0 Uruguay
This was an incredibly dour affair that nobody wanted to win. France seemed happy not to have their terrible defficiencies revealed and Uruguay mainly treated it as another warm up game knowing that they'll comfortably beat the two other sides in the group. Uruguay had a lad playing up front named Luis Suarez, who scored anywhere between 49 and 192 goals in Holland this season, depending on who was talking. This obviously doesn't count for anything, as all Dutch defences let strikers score because they're fans of outrageous scoring statistics.

South Korea 2-0 Greece
South Korea won this affair which was inevitable given they were playing tournament ruiners Greece. The Asian side looked quite handy, often being described as 'committed' and 'industrious' on the basis that they're small. Greece had named 22 defenders in their squad, a foolproof plan. Except they're all shit. Commentators were obsessed with the Koreans having different names, with Peter Drury racistly commenting "the lineup sounds like a takeaway menu".

Argentina 1-0 Nigeria
Another dour affair was up next, as the hopefully excellent Argentina faced up to Nigeria. Nigeria were predictably labelled as 'athletic' and having 'raw talent', despite this not really making sense and them all being passable professional players. Commentators suggested Lionel Messi had 'velcro on his boots' which wouldn't work at all. And he obviously doesn't.

England 1-1 USA
After a good start from England, goalkeeper Robert Green made a calamitous error because he plays in goal for England. Pundits suggested England then played well after, which they didn't, instead choosing to hoof the ball towards a big man up front, a tactic that hasn't proved successful since those pesky foreigners started taking football seriously with all their skill and technique. It was repeated for hours that a draw was fine, as England had drawn their first game in 1966, going on to win the bloody thing. This was clearly a stupid notion, as its 2010, and win is still certainly more useful than a win regardless of the circumstances.

Algeria 0-1 Slovenia
The broadcast of this game was cancelled after the first 11 minutes, instead being replaced with a re-run of Coronation Street, after it became apparent it would be dreadful. Slovenia reportedly scored, the Algerian keeper with an error due to him doing a sudoku.

Serbia 0-1 Ghana
The African cliches were dragged out again as Ghana defeated Serbia. The game was of no offense, but little more. Ghana scored through a penalty, gifted by a Serbian defender in an odd handball that nobody quite understood. If Ghana had given away the exact same penalty, it would have been branded 'naive'. The Ghanians didn't help matters by celebrating the victory as if they'd won the whole thing.

Germany 4-0 Australia
In a game that belonged in another tournament, Australia were suprisingly punished for not fielding any strikers, instead relying on a Hull City fringe player to get the goals, which he obviously couldn't because he's a fringe player. At Hull. Imagine that. Germany were predictably branded 'ruthless' and 'efficient', despite not really being either. Tim Cahill was sent off, largely because tackling wasn't leaping for a header.

'Keepers Ready Excuses For New Ball Introduction

International goalkeepers from around the world have gathered together in a secret South African location to release a press statement removing any blame for their parts in goals conceded in the forthcoming World Cup, with the latest ball likened to a 'beachball'.

Ball manufacturers Adidas are responsible for the latest 'Jabulani' ball, meaning "to celebrate" in the Zulu language, for no real reason. An Adidas press release stated "We've revolutionised the ball. Yeah it's still round, made from the same materials as all our other balls and essentially and most definately still a ball, but it is unquestionably revolutionised. Go and buy one if you don't believe us."

In order to combat the ever changing shape that's never changed, the current crop of keepers has resorted to the traditional method of bitching, moaning and refusing to play until the old ball is returned. The statement read "It's clearly not fair. The way it moves in the air is like it has its own mind. It's not our fault when some Korean lad scores from 40 yards. It is in no possible way down to our own deficiencies, positioning or ability."

England stopper Robert Green suggested the ball was practically from a different sport. Green, who looks as if he could work in a local butchers, commented "We might as well play with a rugby ball, they can get rid of us keepers and just kick it over the posts. Jamo (David James) wasn't happy with it, or at least we don't think he is, he was too busy trying to make sure the other lads new how smart he was. He's not just into football you know.Oh he's told you."

Further criticism was aimed at Adidas after claiming the ball contained "new 3-D panels" despite all other ball panels quite obviously being in three dimensions. An Adidas spokesperson replied "We have to say these sort of things to sell more footballs. It's not really any different from the last one, but what sort of tournament would we have without goalkeepers moaning? Having said that, the next ball's going to be something special. It'll be more round, too round if anything. And 4-D obviously. Make sure you get that one."

Cotton Wool Sale Boom After TV Advert Curse Strikes Again

South African cotton wool manufacturers were today geared for the biggest hike in the industry's history after another star of a television advert was ruled out of the World Cup through injury.

With the tournaments kick-off fast approaching, Ivory Coast star Didier Drogba has become the latest to be ruled out through injury. The nations medical staff diagnosed a suspected fractured elbow after leaving the petulant forward on the ground for around 35 minutes, believing the Chelsea frontman was "just dicking about like normal". Drogba branded the tackle, refereeing decision and pre-match meal "a fucking disgrace".

Drogba became the latest victim of sports giant Nike's latest promotional advert, with other managers frantically wrapping their own featuring stars in giant balls of cotton wool. The advert starred Brazillian buck-toothed trickster Ronaldinho, who was a suprise exclusion from the travelling Brazil line-up, who instead preferred some other chaps more willing to try anything other than outrageous tomfoolery. Theo Walcott was the next to be struck down, the sprinter/cowboy footballer left out by England boss Fabio Capello after his appearance on the ad.

However, the cotton-based move is rumoured to have been met by some scepticism from Portugese brat Cristiano Ronaldo, with friends suggesting the greaseball was far from happy with the decision. A friend of Ronaldo, a man too well groomed even for a dog at Crufts, told Hoodies For Goalposts "Cristiano isn't willing to be wrapped in a giant ball of cotton wool. He's not really happy to have to wear all this football gear, but it seems FIFA won't budge on the rules. He's at his best in a tiny pair of pants. Anyone can see that."

HFG understands that Nike have refused a request from the England camp to edit the advert to remove Wayne Rooney and replace him with goal/shot/attack-shy team mate Emile Heskey.

Airstaff Left Fuming After Disruptive England Flight

The final 23-man England squad tonight flew to Johannesburg's OR Tambo airport before heading to their World Cup base in Rustenburg amidst a cloud of controversy after numerous complaints were made against the party's behaviour.

Coach Fabio Capello announced the final squad yesterday (Tuesday), cutting the squad down from 30 players. Incredibly-slow-yet-ok-at-football Tom Huddlestone and incredibly-fast-yet-terrible-at-football Theo Walcott were amongst the most high profile exclusions.

However, airport staff were reportedly furious with the behaviour of the squad. Stacy Commons, a check in clerk for British Airways, commented "They just had no respect for anybody. Emile Heskey put Shaun Wright-Phillips on his shoulders and chased Joe Hart around for hours, he couldn't get away from them."

Capello was rumoured to be angered by the players behaviour, but acknowledged that it was inevitable amongst a group of largely twenty-something men, with more money than sense, put on a pedestal by their nations media and largely removed from the real world. The Italian commented through growingly suspect teeth "Sometimes, yes, these things will happen. Can you stop Rio from, how you say, 'merking' one of the quieter lads like Stephen Warnock? I don't think so. It would be like stopping Wayne (Rooney) from uneccesarily launching a torrent of abuse at the referee or linesmen or mascots. It takes away from the player".

Peter Crouch, the Spurs forward that most closely resembles a bicycle frame, was awarded an emergency exit seat to accomodate his gangly limbs. The 6ft 7" frontman that should really be better at heading said "I'm really looking forward to the challenge" adding "I'm just delighted I've been given the chance. If there is a crash landing, I've got the opportunity to prove to the boss, the fans, and most importantly the pilot that I'm the man for the job. It's a great privilege."

Reports that serial bad-egg John Terry sexually assaulted a female member of the cabin crew remain unfounded yet likely.

Bullard announces plans to run for Prime Minister

Hull record signing Jimmy Bullard has today announced his intentions to run for Prime Minister in the upcoming general elections. The news comes after current Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, announced the fun-filled vote-athon had been scheduled for May 6th.

Cockney rogue Bullard has proved to be a cult hero amongst football fans after seemingly not being a twat. Ball-achingly tedious radio commentator Alan Green commented at half-time of the recent FA Cup semi-final, "He seems like a bit of a laugh! Oh hang on, you won't believe this, but David James is wearing a pink goalie top! Pink I tell you! Whats wrong with home wearing red and away wearing blue?" before retelling every kick of the last fifteen minutes of Liverpools legendary 4-3 win over Newcastle in 1995.

Bullard's opted for the slogan 'How 'ard? Bull'ard!' after rejecting 'Get out of it you mug!' and has been brandished 'amateur' and 'childish' by critics who claim Bullard is making a mockery of British democracy. In reply, Jimmy giggled "I'm not getting any younger and my knees been playing up a lot, so I thought, why not? I just wanna make politics a bit more fun, ya'know. When was the last time you 'eard any of em crack or joke or offer a handshake before taking it away and laughing. It's what politics needs, something the people can relate to."

Cheeky chappy Bullard refused to comment on rumours that he would instill the entire Soccer Saturday panel as a his cabinet amidst talk that Chris Kamara would become "Minister for the Unbelievable" and Paul Merson given a free role to make the cabinet seem more homely. "I don't want to comment on that sort of thing just yet" said Bullard, "But surely it's impossible to look at a massive national debt that will surely burden us for generations, and not be cheered up by the look it would put on Chancellor Phil Thompson's face. Eh? Eh? Have you seen the man on that nose?"

Bullard dismissed suggestions of recruiting orange northerner Phil Brown as "laughable".

Platini Tells Fulham: 'Europa Joke Gone Too Far'

Uefa president Michel Platini was left red faced on Thursday evening as he was forced to publicly apologise to football fans across Europe for what he described as "A practical joke gone too far".

Fulham fans were ecstatic after manager Roy Hodgson had masterminded the latest european victory from their side, a 3-1 aggregate victory over Bundesliga outfit Wolfsburg. When questioned over his feelings towards the West-Londoners most recent underdog victory, former European Footballer Of The Year and all-round football ruiner Platini responded Frenchly, "It's gone on too long, it started last season when Sepp (Blatter) joked with me how hilarious it would be if a team like Fulham, that nobody really knew about, won the Uefa Cup."

In a bid to make sure this never happened, Platini rebranded the competition the 'Europa League' and forced teams to play in odd countries like Slovenia and Macedonia every Thursday until he was satisfied with the outcome.

Platini added "We thought that putting them up against a proper team like Juventus would sort all this nonsense, but they went and put in a load of effort, played some decent football and only bloody won!" Platini then revealed that the next draw was influenced by the hours he'd spent the day before playing the ridiculously addictive computer series, Football Manager, when he was supposed to be getting on with some actual work. "Everybody knows how good Edin Dzeko is. I mean nobody actually knows, they're just told all the time despite no evidence, but if everyone says he's really good, he probably is right?" groaned Platini.

Likeable Fulham manager and general good guy Roy Hodgson blew his nose and told Hoodies For Goalposts, "We don't really know what's happened here either. It would seem, as it turns out, some teams that were once quite good aren't necessarily that brilliant now. It's nice because I was going to trade this Europa League place with Wigan in exchange for some hot water in the showers when we go to the JJB, Titus Bramble and a conker that Mario Melchiot reckons is a 'three-hundreder'."