'Keepers Ready Excuses For New Ball Introduction

International goalkeepers from around the world have gathered together in a secret South African location to release a press statement removing any blame for their parts in goals conceded in the forthcoming World Cup, with the latest ball likened to a 'beachball'.

Ball manufacturers Adidas are responsible for the latest 'Jabulani' ball, meaning "to celebrate" in the Zulu language, for no real reason. An Adidas press release stated "We've revolutionised the ball. Yeah it's still round, made from the same materials as all our other balls and essentially and most definately still a ball, but it is unquestionably revolutionised. Go and buy one if you don't believe us."

In order to combat the ever changing shape that's never changed, the current crop of keepers has resorted to the traditional method of bitching, moaning and refusing to play until the old ball is returned. The statement read "It's clearly not fair. The way it moves in the air is like it has its own mind. It's not our fault when some Korean lad scores from 40 yards. It is in no possible way down to our own deficiencies, positioning or ability."

England stopper Robert Green suggested the ball was practically from a different sport. Green, who looks as if he could work in a local butchers, commented "We might as well play with a rugby ball, they can get rid of us keepers and just kick it over the posts. Jamo (David James) wasn't happy with it, or at least we don't think he is, he was too busy trying to make sure the other lads new how smart he was. He's not just into football you know.Oh he's told you."

Further criticism was aimed at Adidas after claiming the ball contained "new 3-D panels" despite all other ball panels quite obviously being in three dimensions. An Adidas spokesperson replied "We have to say these sort of things to sell more footballs. It's not really any different from the last one, but what sort of tournament would we have without goalkeepers moaning? Having said that, the next ball's going to be something special. It'll be more round, too round if anything. And 4-D obviously. Make sure you get that one."